Yesterday afternoon, my ankle decided not to play. It does this fairly regularly, usually for just long enough to make me look ridiculous when I'm walking in public and suddenly fall over. However, yesterday it decided to up its game, and when I put my foot down for a step like any other it completely failed to do its job. In fact, it did more than that - although I recognise the improbability of this statement and/or its similarity to Winona Ryder's "there are no bones in my arm!" whingeing in Girl, Interrupted, what it felt like was that my ankle had disappeared completely, leaving my shin free to plough straight into the top of my foot.
Twenty-nine hours, one disinterested nurse practitioner and a lot of swelling and pain later, I have learnt that I'm in possession of a fine collection of shredded ligaments. I also feel that I'm now something of an expert on the proper use of fucked-up ankles. With that in mind, I hope you'll appreciate the following top tips for next time you acquire a similar injury:
1) Try not to live in a flat accessible only by either two handrail-free flights of interior stairs or one rickety and undermaintained flight of outside steps. I realise this will take some forward planning.
2) If, due to a lack of the aforementioned planning, you are without frozen peas, avoid using Tesco Finest frozen oven chips to reduce swelling as they are nattily designed to dig viciously into any areas of tenderness.
3) Do not find the bit of your ankle where you think the pain is coming from and vigorously prod it to see if you're right. There is no best case scenario here - either you're wrong and therefore a bit thick, or you're right and will shortly be in excruciating pain.
4) Definitely do not cross the road except on a green signal - you'll inevitably find yourself in the path of a bus and have to run. This is not at all good.
5) Do not, having wrenched ankle painfully running from bus, immediately drown sorrows in pub and further damage self by slipping on bathroom floor. NB joint pain is apparently unaffected by alcohol.
6) Avoid sleeping, since you will initially awake feeling rested and positive but will then realise your ankle has totally stiffened up and hurts like blazes.
7) Take baths unless you are certain that standing in the shower will not cause your leg to collapse, leaving you a) helpless in the bathtub until you can once more put weight on it, or b) helpless in the bathtub with a fractured skull. (Only one of these happened to me.)
8) If it is necessary to focus the entirety of your day's energy on a trip to your local outpost of the NHS in order to arrange physiotherapy, do not painstakingly hobble all the way there just to find out it's lunchtime and nobody's home.
9) Having returned home after your medical disappointment, do not bravely rally yourself for a further trip and decide to tie it in with a visit to Tesco if you suspect that it may be chucking-out time at the local comprehensive. Twelve year olds are repellent enough when you're able-bodied and capable of imperiously sweeping them from your path. As a cripple, they are as menacing as vultures circling a foundered camel. Do camels founder? It seems likely, if a little sad.
10) Do not persistently and perversely force your foot into painful positions with the vague idea that it might constitute an exercise. Unless it's in the 'Ankle Injury' booklet from the hospital, it doesn't count.
I had rather hoped that the last day-and-a-bit of what is, after all, an extremely finite life might have consisted of a little more than ten foolish mistakes, but apparently it didn't. In fact, I've got a horrible feeling that this has been one of the more eventful days I've had recently.
Take care.
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